I Love You, Me!

It wasn't until I became a mother that I realized how hard taking care of kids could be. Especially little ones. With one baby, I remember feeling like I had NO time for anything: chores, showers, cooking, hanging out with friends, running, sleep, job, etc. Now that I have two, I realized I had PLENTY of time! Life is like that; everything always seems easier in retrospect.

 My days right now often seem like a whirlwind of survival. There are times I'm exhausted, stressed, frustrated, angry, and mad at myself that I can't seem to 'get the hang of it.' How do I manage this? I doubt my capabilities of a wife and mother. Bazillions of people have done this for bazillions of years, so I know it's possible. I think I just get overwhelmed by small details that don't matter (::pinterest, cough cough::) or thinking that I have to do everything right and perfectly. Which is weird because I am NOT a type A personality at all. And this is where Meme Jackson comes into play.

Meme Jackson was our 'nanny' growing up, or at least for our youngest years in cribs and diapers. I don't even like to say 'nanny,' because she was so much more than that. She was part of our family. She came to family gatherings and holidays. Before she came to us, Meme helped raise my own dad and his siblings. She has a place in all of our lives and has left her mark on all of our hearts. 

Meme was simple. So simple. She didn't have much. She wore moo-moo's and slippers, and her hair was in foam curlers a lot. And she had a cat named PooPoo, which to a little girl was the funniest thing you've ever heard. The details are fuzzy, but what I do remember about Meme are some of the fondest memories of the formative childhood years. She hummed. She cooked, cleaned, and ironed. She rocked us in an old, white wooden rocking chair while simultaneously watching 'The Young and Restless' or 'Days of Our Lives' while talking out loud at the TV characters. I mean, she REALLY fussed at them. Meme was always happy, or atleast that's how I've always remembered her. Just smiling. Even if she didn't have anything to say, she was smiling. And the words I remember her most saying are "Uh-huh, yay-uh, I MEAN!". One thing I sometimes forget about Meme but one of the things I love most was that Meme couldn't read or write. Or drive. When my parents told me this in elementary school, I was floored. I was 6 or 7 and was learning to read and write, but Meme went her WHOLE life not being able to do this? I was confused. She was the first person I knew that couldn't read or write. But it didn't matter at all; Meme was a hard, diligent worker, and she knew how to love us. That's it. Never complained. She went about her business and made the most of what she had in this life, and I don't doubt that life was hard for her. Sometimes I think a simple life allows us to see important things in this life without tainting it with unnecessary distractions, and I think Meme nailed this. She didn't have much, so she truly focused on what was right in front of her. 

So when I become burdened with feeling like I have to accomplish it "all," I take a deep breath and remember sweet Meme. She did it, and she did it right. And SO well. I was at ease with Meme. She was a source of peace and comfort for our family, a true servant in every sense. 

I don't have to run all the errands I think I should or check off all the petty items on my to-do list. It's ok if I wear my version of a moo-moo all day and never do my rat's nest of hair. I shouldn't feel like I'm doing my kids a disservice by not leaving the house during the day, or week for that matter (because there's been plenty of times we never leave this house for a whole week...I only thought I knew what cabin fever was). I shouldn't be focused on getting my mid-20's body back (would be nice but nagonnahappen). My house won't be perfect and I'll never get everything done. But I'll do the best with what I have and take care of these kids and show them the love and affection she so beautifully and gently demonstrated for us all the while being thankful for my circumstances. One thing my mom tells me is that Meme often said is "there's always time to rock the babies." Amen, sister. Well said. Meme managed, and so can I. Just gotta keep it simple; it's almost a discipline these days not to busy ourselves and over-commit. There's beauty in the stillness and mundane of everyday life. We just have to quiet ourselves enough to see it. 

I know I constantly think about my purpose or place in this life. But Meme is a strong and evident reminder that you can glorify the Lord wherever you are; she may not have known it, but 20 something years later, her quiet and undecorated life has been such an encouragement and blessing to me. She's on my mind often; her example of pure love, contentment, thankfulness, and simplicity inspire me. So, thank you Jesus for Meme Jackson. I can't wait till I can hug you on the other side. I love you, Me! 

Imagine

within the past month, i've seen beck's little imagination starting to take shape. it's awesome. i first noticed it when he started to carry his friends, elle and maren, around in his pocket. he would pull them out of his pocket and show them to me in his hand. i have no idea where he picked this up or if there's even a source of origination for it other than his fascinating little boy brain. he literally just woke up one morning and starting pretending and imagining. and it's only the beginning.  i would "imagine" (har har) that pirate ships, fighting ninjas, bugs, swords, cowboys and indians, etc., won't be too far behind (i've never had a little boy before, and i grew up with 2 sisters, so i'm only speculating that this is what boys like to play?).

since this new development, i've started wondering when we stopped using our own imaginations? i guess it's just a gradual fading out process that happens over time--but when did that process start? i'm trying to recall the last time i let my childhood imagination run wild, and what i recall the most is from growing up on marye street. the magnolia tree in the backyard WAS a pirate ship; our backyard was surrounded by a concrete wall, so in essence it was the perfect fort, too. we made "red beans and rice" out of the red seeds that fell out of the magnolia tree pod things and threw some caterpillars in there. ms. weber's yard (the next door neighbor) was perfect for the "living room" we constructed out of pine straw, leaves, and junk we found on the ground or in the ally behind our house (where gangs typically frequented as well. it doubled as a child's playground AND gang gathering! that's normal, no?). we rode bikes down to the bayou at the end of the street and poked gargantuan bullfrogs that were dead on the side of the road and went fishing for minnows with handcrafted fishing poles constructed of branches and reeds or those cat-tail/hot dog things. 

there are definitely some memories of cooks point, but by the time we moved out there, i was in junior high and imaginative play was decreasing. maybe as interest in boys, friends, and superficial nonsense increased, the pretend play was beginning to die a little. tear. it's quite a shame, really. 

but how neat that the Creator of the universe was so creative Himself to give us an imagination as children to be able to dream without limits, without rules, without any sort of boundaries. And we ARE made in his image--the image of the most creative being that ever existed. The One who spoke the earth into motion, painted the most beautiful skies, carved the deepest valleys and highest mountains, the dense forests and the vast deserts. The One who crafted every animal, insect, every being so perfectly and intentionally. Now HE had the ultimate imagination! I mean, WOW!
 Now that i think about it, just as we look fondly at our own children and strive for them to learn the ability stretch their minds into developing something out of nothing, maybe the Lord looks at us, HIS children, to do the same? What if He wants us to use our creativity and dare to dream about doing things that only seem impossible? What if he gave us this gift, this desire, to show us that through only Him and His help, His blessing, His power, and His ability that He can accomplish these things? Hmph, never really thought about that until now. 

I'm guilty of giving up on dreams. I think that childhood imagination is eventually replaced by unrealistic fantasies. Or maybe that's just the harsh adult word/version of imagination: unrealistic fantasy. To be honest, I don't even know what dreams I have. Somewhere along the lines of living in a broken world, I killed them. Satan killed them. He keeps telling me I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not confident enough, not smart enough. Not ______ enough. Just fill in the blank. And I keep believing it. Oh to have childlike faith again. I used to want to be a veterinarian. An artist. A jockey (I completely laugh at this one now...I really am too big and not a small hispanic man. But I really did want to ride racehorses). I don't even know what dreams I have right now. I'm talking REAL dreams--not like owning a house on the coast of France or something that's obviously not ever going to happen. I'm talking healthy dreams; dreams that are born out of purpose and passion. So lemme think for a second.....

I dream about raising these kiddos to know and love the Lord and serve Him and bring glory to Him. To further His kingdom here on earth. Shoot, I dream that for myself.

I dream about using whatever talents I have been given to do something good and worthwhile for Jesus. But in order to do that, that'll require me peeking into my heart and looking in all those deep, dark places that sometimes I'm scared to look because I'm afraid of what I may find. On a lighter note, I dream about one day learning to play the guitar, tapping back into my creative side (I loved absolutely loved art in high school but later convinced myself I wasn't really that good. But in all honesty, I was surprisingly impressed with what I could do..that counts for something, right?). So yeah, still need to peel back a few layers on that one. 

I'm currently reading the book, Restless, by Jennie Allen. It's been amazing. And she actually walks you through uncovering your gifts/talents/passions in order to use them for the Lord and helps narrow the focus for finding your place in this life here on earth. She also digs into opening wounds and using past or present sufferings to recognize your gifts and passions as well. I'm loving it. She helps make sense of all the threads of your life in order to weave them together for something beautiful for the Lord. 

So, here's to imagination and silly dreams again. And maybe they're not so silly after all. God gave us this ability, and just like everything else he's given, we can and should use it for Him. And thanks to my 2 1/2 year old for helping me remember what it's like to dream and imagine. I know I won't think his dreams are silly, and I don't think God will think our dreams are, either. 

rambling.

geezum i'm so terrible at this. i'm not even actually sure how i ended up here. oh wait, yes i do. ben left his blog open and after reading his entry, my eye caught my own name on his 'blogs to follow' list. yikes. i kinda forgot i actually had a blog. so, i went back and glanced at my whopping 3 or 4 entries. such a pathetic, sad excuse for a blog. i've almost had more children since then than entries. not really, but sometimes 2 kids seems like 7. kudos to those that have litters of kids. i don't see how you do it. seriously.
anyway, i went back and read my previous postings (took about 10 minutes total...maybe), and it was entertaining to see, or at least catch a glimpse, of what our lives were back then and what all we did. i think my favorite part was reading about my "8 things i wish for" or whatnot. the coolest thing---6 out of those 8 had been accomplished or been an answered prayer. i ran a full marathon, i got a bike, i have 2 very healthy kiddos, THE SAINTS WON THE SUPER BOWL, ben and i are healthy, and we live lives of simplicity for the most part, or atleast try to. that's always a battle in today's grimy and overindulgent world. but what an awesome reminder of God's faithfulness. so much has happened in the last couple of years. there's been growth, pain, laughter, tears (many...the good and the bad ones), change, etc. It's very clear to see that life is cyclical and that the only constant is change. being a creature of habit and routine, this is sometimes really challenging for me! but i am grateful for where i am and what i have been given. i wouldn't have it any other way.
there's too much to summarize from the past 3 or 4 years in detail. but some of the major milestones/events worth mentioning are: ben went back to school to get a masters in counseling. he graduated in may 2012 but i still can't get over the fact that he actually went back to school. in a field completely different and opposite of his original business degree. that's how i knew he was really serious and that the Lord really laid this on his heart. he is incredible at what he does and i am so proud of him for taking such a huge leap of faith. not to mention how handy it is to have my very own, personal, in-house counselor that i can bring all of my out of control emotions to! God really knew what he was doing when he put us together. He knew i'd need somebody to talk some rational sense into me and keep me well-balanced. bless him--i sure wouldn't want to put up with my crazy self and shenanigans.
we had 2 kids. and safe to say these are THE MOST LIFE ALTERING EVENTS. holy moly. i only thought i was ready and prepared. i would now laugh at my 27 year old self before having my first baby. gosh, how immature and naive i was. not that i'm mature and wise now, but there's just such a massive discrepancy in what i knew then and what i know now. it has been the greatest, most wonderful experience. it's been an adventure, full of surprises, firsts, discovery, and learning. these children are the greatest gifts we will ever have and to watch them grow and raise them is the greatest privilege and honor for us. we feel immensely blessed that God chose us to be their parents.
on the other hand, it has also brought some of the toughest, most challenging moments of my life. new struggles with unending worry--you name it, i've probably worried about it. a constant battle with control that i fight with daily. i cling and grasp so tightly to certain things and cannot seem to peel my clinched fingers back and release whatever i'm holding on so tightly. a realization that i am selfish, selfish, and selfish. the explanation on that one requires an entire post devoted solely to itself. impatient, imperfect, weak; these are just a few more ugly truths about myself that i've learned. but you know what else i've learned? i've learned more about Jesus and my need for him. i've also learned that this is a refining process. in order to be refined, we must go through fire. don't get me wrong, i'm not comparing having kids to a painful, fiery process (literally, YES. but figuratively, it's hard, but it's more the learning-about-yourself-part that hurts the most sometimes.) i've really been able to recognize and learn my own weaknesses better. they've always been there, but now i've had to come face-to-face with them. it can be painful to learn things about yourself, but there's also a sense of freedom that accompanies it. like "phew, glad that's now out in the open." that's when there's potential to improve and learn from it. i feel like i'm rambling and not making sense. there's a whoooole lotta stuff going on in my head and sometimes i can't quite sort it out/explain or organize my thoughts very well. but it's a start. maybe if i get all my thoughts out on paper (is this the new form of "paper"?), then that'll free up some room in my brain.
ben getting his masters and having 2 kids. there's been more but i got carried away, and i hear beck talking to "peter" in his crib so nap time is officially over. those are the main ones, anyway. see ya again in a few years. not really...but seriously.

southern roots

i never imagined i'd end up in arkansas. ever. but obviously God has a sense of humor and loves to humble us by completely changing our own plans for our lives. and that's what he did with mine. i transferred from LSU to University of Arkansas in august of 2004, and have been in arkansas since. and i can sincerely say that i truly love it. sometimes i think that there's no where else i'd rather live. however, with that said, i still am so tightly bound to my louisiana roots.
the night before i left to move to arkansas, my best friend, sage, said to me, "roots, family, and friends, weez; roots, family, and friends. dont ever forget that!" although she was somewhat joking, it has completely stuck with me! and she often reminds me of this pretty much every time we are together. this past weekend i have spent a few days back home in louisiana around family and good friends, and just came to the realization that being from louisiana will always be part of my identity. and i love it. it's such a unique place and culture. i mean, for example, tonight me and katie when to get a daquiri and 8:00 on a SUNDAY night. seriously, where else can you do that?! and i know louisiana's landscape isn't impressive as a national park, mountains, beaches, etc., but i love that we find beauty in bayous, huge oak trees, plantations, mossy trees, and insanely loud nights in tiger stadium...you may think this is an exaggeration, but it IS a beautiful thing.
for the past 2 mornings i have sat outside on the porch overlooking the lake drinking coffee and just sitting there. pure bliss. no thoughts about chores, to-do lists, work, exercise, blah blah blah. not a worry in the world. love love love these simple pleasures.
and last night was molly and jeb's engagement party, so what'd we do? get all of our crazy friends and family together to celebrate! and of course in typical louisiana fashion, this pretty much involved good food, good friends, drinks, and....yep...lsu football. (granted, this was not a very impressive win at all, but all that matters is they won, right?) and today we had molly's shower out at a childhood friend's house. i hadn't been out there in YEARS, but it was just the way i remembered it: an old plantation house, huge oaks lining the street, 'skeeters biting the minute you step out the door, and a huge porch complete with a swing and rocking chairs. ohh how i didn't seem to appreciate these small things when i was growing up here. but what kid is like "oh my, what a gorgeous sunset!", or "these oaks are timeless." it's only after the fact that these things seems to matter and mean something.
so, yeah, i admit it, i love louisiana. i also love arkansas and that is my home. i also love the hogs and cheer for them. but regardless, my southern roots run pretty deep, and i'll be takin 'em wherever i go.

ice storm...again?

ice storm AGAIN? really? it was this same exact time last year that NWA experienced a level 5 ice storm. i didn't think it was possible to happen again only a year later! all the bad stuff is supposed to move in sometime tomorrow around noon. boo. normally i would love a day or two off of work, but if it's anything like last year, count me out! i'd rather go to work than lose electricity and see half the trees in fayetteville snapped in half, and the whole region be a complete mess. it took a solid 4-5 months to clean up from last year! crazy how powerful and unrelenting these storms can be! regardless, we've stocked up on batteries, bottled water, and gave the pups a bath since they'll be confined to the kitchen until this passes. we may have to start getting creative on ways to keep ourselves entertained just in case we lose power. only until you've lost power do you realize how dependent you've become on TVs, computers, and cell phones! i guess we'll have to find a deck a cards, a book, and the scrabble board...FUN.

spring, are you there?

this week i have had a bad case of spring fever. after the arctic assault we had 2 weeks ago, pretty safe to say i am completely ready for warmer weather. never have i ever been in such freezing cold temps. i dont know how to deal with cold weather, and i think we're definitley ill-equipped for it. who knew that you had to keep your faucets dripping to keep them from freezing? not me!

although, i must confess, our recent ski trip to colorado was incredible. maybe it was the scenery. the one day the sun was actually out, you could see what looked like tiny crystals floating everywhere. it was like every drop of moisture in the air was frozen. and skiing down a mountain when it's snowing so hard you can barely see is amazing. so i guess i just talked myself into liking cold weather again. shoot.

regardless, i am ALWAYS excited when it starts getting warm again outside. although i think this past week was an exception and not necessarily an accurate predictor of an early spring. but i just cant wait to get back outside!! i dont know if my seasonal affective disorder can take it much longer! running on the treadmill will only last so long, and indoor heat and lighting just aren't cutting it anymore. i need a good sunburn, and i cant wait to roll the windowns down in the car. funny how each season makes you appreciate and anticipate the next. i am always in awe at creation and how the Lord made everything with such timing and individuality. nature truly continues to amaze me. i think one of the best experiences/memories i have was last spring at the buffalo river. ben and i had gone canoeing on the buffalo one day, and with about 15 minutes left on our float, it starting POURING. everything seemed to be silent and still, and all you could hear was the rain. and even the river was calm. we were surrounded by huge bluffs one on side and trees on the other. we just quit paddling and sat in our canoe getting soaked. it was awesome.

oh, hello 2010

so, after a little year-long hiatus, im attempting this yet again. i think it's probably some combination of denouncing my secret passion for trashy TV, the beginning of a new year, and the attempt to change up my monotonous routines that is driving me toward something more productive and engaging of my time, thoughts, and energy. so, instead of summarzing the entire year of 2009, i think i'll just resume from present day.

ok, so i tend to get bored easily; with hobbies, jobs, location, myself, etc. Not sure if this is dangerous or not, but as long as i dont act too impulsively, i actually think it can be productive. why stay stagnant doing the same things in life? when there are so many places to be seen, so many things to do, people to meet, and things to try, it seems like such a waste to continue on with the same exact routine for years and years. i just hope i can always change things up and keep life exciting. granted, im not saying im quitting my job and throwing all responsibility to the wind (i actually love my job, for the record). just desire to always be open to new things. seems like a luxury, but i think with creativity and some intentional effort it's possible. with that said, a couple of new things i desire to do/learn: (in no particular order): greece, missions, learning to play the guitar, photography, run a full marathon, and just learn that there is more to life than what goes on in my comfortable and content life.

these have no particular time frame; i tend to set myself up for failure if i put a time limit on anything. hopefully i can actually be proactive in the transition from turning an idea into reality and something tangible. historically not my greatest quality, but we'll see how this year unravels.