rambling.

geezum i'm so terrible at this. i'm not even actually sure how i ended up here. oh wait, yes i do. ben left his blog open and after reading his entry, my eye caught my own name on his 'blogs to follow' list. yikes. i kinda forgot i actually had a blog. so, i went back and glanced at my whopping 3 or 4 entries. such a pathetic, sad excuse for a blog. i've almost had more children since then than entries. not really, but sometimes 2 kids seems like 7. kudos to those that have litters of kids. i don't see how you do it. seriously.
anyway, i went back and read my previous postings (took about 10 minutes total...maybe), and it was entertaining to see, or at least catch a glimpse, of what our lives were back then and what all we did. i think my favorite part was reading about my "8 things i wish for" or whatnot. the coolest thing---6 out of those 8 had been accomplished or been an answered prayer. i ran a full marathon, i got a bike, i have 2 very healthy kiddos, THE SAINTS WON THE SUPER BOWL, ben and i are healthy, and we live lives of simplicity for the most part, or atleast try to. that's always a battle in today's grimy and overindulgent world. but what an awesome reminder of God's faithfulness. so much has happened in the last couple of years. there's been growth, pain, laughter, tears (many...the good and the bad ones), change, etc. It's very clear to see that life is cyclical and that the only constant is change. being a creature of habit and routine, this is sometimes really challenging for me! but i am grateful for where i am and what i have been given. i wouldn't have it any other way.
there's too much to summarize from the past 3 or 4 years in detail. but some of the major milestones/events worth mentioning are: ben went back to school to get a masters in counseling. he graduated in may 2012 but i still can't get over the fact that he actually went back to school. in a field completely different and opposite of his original business degree. that's how i knew he was really serious and that the Lord really laid this on his heart. he is incredible at what he does and i am so proud of him for taking such a huge leap of faith. not to mention how handy it is to have my very own, personal, in-house counselor that i can bring all of my out of control emotions to! God really knew what he was doing when he put us together. He knew i'd need somebody to talk some rational sense into me and keep me well-balanced. bless him--i sure wouldn't want to put up with my crazy self and shenanigans.
we had 2 kids. and safe to say these are THE MOST LIFE ALTERING EVENTS. holy moly. i only thought i was ready and prepared. i would now laugh at my 27 year old self before having my first baby. gosh, how immature and naive i was. not that i'm mature and wise now, but there's just such a massive discrepancy in what i knew then and what i know now. it has been the greatest, most wonderful experience. it's been an adventure, full of surprises, firsts, discovery, and learning. these children are the greatest gifts we will ever have and to watch them grow and raise them is the greatest privilege and honor for us. we feel immensely blessed that God chose us to be their parents.
on the other hand, it has also brought some of the toughest, most challenging moments of my life. new struggles with unending worry--you name it, i've probably worried about it. a constant battle with control that i fight with daily. i cling and grasp so tightly to certain things and cannot seem to peel my clinched fingers back and release whatever i'm holding on so tightly. a realization that i am selfish, selfish, and selfish. the explanation on that one requires an entire post devoted solely to itself. impatient, imperfect, weak; these are just a few more ugly truths about myself that i've learned. but you know what else i've learned? i've learned more about Jesus and my need for him. i've also learned that this is a refining process. in order to be refined, we must go through fire. don't get me wrong, i'm not comparing having kids to a painful, fiery process (literally, YES. but figuratively, it's hard, but it's more the learning-about-yourself-part that hurts the most sometimes.) i've really been able to recognize and learn my own weaknesses better. they've always been there, but now i've had to come face-to-face with them. it can be painful to learn things about yourself, but there's also a sense of freedom that accompanies it. like "phew, glad that's now out in the open." that's when there's potential to improve and learn from it. i feel like i'm rambling and not making sense. there's a whoooole lotta stuff going on in my head and sometimes i can't quite sort it out/explain or organize my thoughts very well. but it's a start. maybe if i get all my thoughts out on paper (is this the new form of "paper"?), then that'll free up some room in my brain.
ben getting his masters and having 2 kids. there's been more but i got carried away, and i hear beck talking to "peter" in his crib so nap time is officially over. those are the main ones, anyway. see ya again in a few years. not really...but seriously.