Robbed

It finally feels like winter. We have our first illness. It's February, and NWA has already seen 2 or 3 pretty significant snow storms since December. Schools have been out for a total of 15 days or something ridiculous like that. It's been painfully cold and the whole nation has been affected by arctic blasts and a polar vortex, whatever the hell that is. And we've made it thus far without any illness, until now. For the past week, Beck has had a nasty cough, runny nose, sore throat, blah blah blah. We've humidified, juiced fresh fruits and veggies, vapo-rubbed, etc. I knew it had to be coming! Just one of those inevitable things about having youngsters. But I'm grateful that we've made it this far during this yucko winter.
After a coughing fit and some labored breathing on day 3, we called our pediatrician friend and she graciously called in some steroids for our little guy. It was Sunday and ice and snow were falling from the sky. Before having kids, I was for the most part against antibiotics and prescription meds (ironically since I'm a nurse). This made God laugh. I very quickly had to die to that one. I still don't love it, but what I don't love even more is seeing my precious kiddos feeling sick and looking so miserable. For 5 or 6 months straight last winter Beck was on some kind of abx for recurrent ear infections or other coodies.
Thankfully the steroids helped his breathing but that pesky cough has lingered. I thought he was on the mend but last night (day 7 or 8?), our little buddy had an awfully hard time going to sleep. He would wake up every 20 minutes crying. We finally bit the bullet and moved him to our bed. After about 2 long hours, sweet Beck finally drifted off. His head was on my pillow, or more accurately, his head was basically on top of my head and one of his arms was wrapped around me in a bear hug. The kid is a WILD sleeper.
 It was such a sweet moment that almost wiped away the 2 hours of distress that preceded it. Then I thought, "ooo, I need to get a picture of this." Then I followed that with, "are you kidding me, Louise? Why? So I can put it on social media?" I am exactly what's wrong with social media and why I hate it. We post these precious, perfect pictures that are only a snapshot of reality. No one would know how difficult the night had been or the pain our boy had been in. They would only see a cute picture of a perfectly peaceful, sleeping kid. Ugh, I am so sorry I almost did that. And it's not the first time. I confess, I've done it before. Feel free to judge me; I judge me.
I think what broke my heart the most was knowing that Beck truly felt awful (took him to doc this morning and he has secondary ear infection...boo). It was a moment that he needed his mama and daddy to comfort him and feel secure. To feel safe and cared for. He has no idea about Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and all those social media powerhouses. But to use that vulnerable moment for him and broadcast it as something false? And fabricate it to make it appear like a perfect moment? It was anything but that. I'm so sorry, bud. Those are the moments I need to protect and cherish and keep private. We have a responsibility to protect their childhood and let them be kids and walk with them through hurts, pains, and tears. Through the good and the bad. Those are special moments that are reserved just for us.
This age of technology and online media has robbed me. Robbed me of valuable time with my family. Robbed me from being in and cherishing the moments. I'm too concerned with CAPTURING the moment to share than I am REMEMBERING the moment through my own eyes and the details of my kid's expressions, their laughs, their joy and excitement, and even their hurt. I do not want to do this through the through the lens of my iPhone or device.  I'm forever distracted by wanted to check this site, check that one, read updates, post pics, and share things that don't need to be shared. Why do we share so much information? I mean, really? What are your true motives? My guess is approval and validation. Maybe that's my guess because that's the reason I do it, too?  Blegh, I don't like the way that makes me feel. Gross. I truly mourn the days of no cell phones. I like being disconnected and how much slower we all moved.
I hate how being robbed happens right under your nose. It happens fast and without you knowing. Before you know it' you've been taken advantage of, and the things that are lost may not be able to be replaced. I already waste enough time, and I would hate to be robbed of any more. I know for certain that's one thing I can't get back.

I Love You, Me!

It wasn't until I became a mother that I realized how hard taking care of kids could be. Especially little ones. With one baby, I remember feeling like I had NO time for anything: chores, showers, cooking, hanging out with friends, running, sleep, job, etc. Now that I have two, I realized I had PLENTY of time! Life is like that; everything always seems easier in retrospect.

 My days right now often seem like a whirlwind of survival. There are times I'm exhausted, stressed, frustrated, angry, and mad at myself that I can't seem to 'get the hang of it.' How do I manage this? I doubt my capabilities of a wife and mother. Bazillions of people have done this for bazillions of years, so I know it's possible. I think I just get overwhelmed by small details that don't matter (::pinterest, cough cough::) or thinking that I have to do everything right and perfectly. Which is weird because I am NOT a type A personality at all. And this is where Meme Jackson comes into play.

Meme Jackson was our 'nanny' growing up, or at least for our youngest years in cribs and diapers. I don't even like to say 'nanny,' because she was so much more than that. She was part of our family. She came to family gatherings and holidays. Before she came to us, Meme helped raise my own dad and his siblings. She has a place in all of our lives and has left her mark on all of our hearts. 

Meme was simple. So simple. She didn't have much. She wore moo-moo's and slippers, and her hair was in foam curlers a lot. And she had a cat named PooPoo, which to a little girl was the funniest thing you've ever heard. The details are fuzzy, but what I do remember about Meme are some of the fondest memories of the formative childhood years. She hummed. She cooked, cleaned, and ironed. She rocked us in an old, white wooden rocking chair while simultaneously watching 'The Young and Restless' or 'Days of Our Lives' while talking out loud at the TV characters. I mean, she REALLY fussed at them. Meme was always happy, or atleast that's how I've always remembered her. Just smiling. Even if she didn't have anything to say, she was smiling. And the words I remember her most saying are "Uh-huh, yay-uh, I MEAN!". One thing I sometimes forget about Meme but one of the things I love most was that Meme couldn't read or write. Or drive. When my parents told me this in elementary school, I was floored. I was 6 or 7 and was learning to read and write, but Meme went her WHOLE life not being able to do this? I was confused. She was the first person I knew that couldn't read or write. But it didn't matter at all; Meme was a hard, diligent worker, and she knew how to love us. That's it. Never complained. She went about her business and made the most of what she had in this life, and I don't doubt that life was hard for her. Sometimes I think a simple life allows us to see important things in this life without tainting it with unnecessary distractions, and I think Meme nailed this. She didn't have much, so she truly focused on what was right in front of her. 

So when I become burdened with feeling like I have to accomplish it "all," I take a deep breath and remember sweet Meme. She did it, and she did it right. And SO well. I was at ease with Meme. She was a source of peace and comfort for our family, a true servant in every sense. 

I don't have to run all the errands I think I should or check off all the petty items on my to-do list. It's ok if I wear my version of a moo-moo all day and never do my rat's nest of hair. I shouldn't feel like I'm doing my kids a disservice by not leaving the house during the day, or week for that matter (because there's been plenty of times we never leave this house for a whole week...I only thought I knew what cabin fever was). I shouldn't be focused on getting my mid-20's body back (would be nice but nagonnahappen). My house won't be perfect and I'll never get everything done. But I'll do the best with what I have and take care of these kids and show them the love and affection she so beautifully and gently demonstrated for us all the while being thankful for my circumstances. One thing my mom tells me is that Meme often said is "there's always time to rock the babies." Amen, sister. Well said. Meme managed, and so can I. Just gotta keep it simple; it's almost a discipline these days not to busy ourselves and over-commit. There's beauty in the stillness and mundane of everyday life. We just have to quiet ourselves enough to see it. 

I know I constantly think about my purpose or place in this life. But Meme is a strong and evident reminder that you can glorify the Lord wherever you are; she may not have known it, but 20 something years later, her quiet and undecorated life has been such an encouragement and blessing to me. She's on my mind often; her example of pure love, contentment, thankfulness, and simplicity inspire me. So, thank you Jesus for Meme Jackson. I can't wait till I can hug you on the other side. I love you, Me! 

Imagine

within the past month, i've seen beck's little imagination starting to take shape. it's awesome. i first noticed it when he started to carry his friends, elle and maren, around in his pocket. he would pull them out of his pocket and show them to me in his hand. i have no idea where he picked this up or if there's even a source of origination for it other than his fascinating little boy brain. he literally just woke up one morning and starting pretending and imagining. and it's only the beginning.  i would "imagine" (har har) that pirate ships, fighting ninjas, bugs, swords, cowboys and indians, etc., won't be too far behind (i've never had a little boy before, and i grew up with 2 sisters, so i'm only speculating that this is what boys like to play?).

since this new development, i've started wondering when we stopped using our own imaginations? i guess it's just a gradual fading out process that happens over time--but when did that process start? i'm trying to recall the last time i let my childhood imagination run wild, and what i recall the most is from growing up on marye street. the magnolia tree in the backyard WAS a pirate ship; our backyard was surrounded by a concrete wall, so in essence it was the perfect fort, too. we made "red beans and rice" out of the red seeds that fell out of the magnolia tree pod things and threw some caterpillars in there. ms. weber's yard (the next door neighbor) was perfect for the "living room" we constructed out of pine straw, leaves, and junk we found on the ground or in the ally behind our house (where gangs typically frequented as well. it doubled as a child's playground AND gang gathering! that's normal, no?). we rode bikes down to the bayou at the end of the street and poked gargantuan bullfrogs that were dead on the side of the road and went fishing for minnows with handcrafted fishing poles constructed of branches and reeds or those cat-tail/hot dog things. 

there are definitely some memories of cooks point, but by the time we moved out there, i was in junior high and imaginative play was decreasing. maybe as interest in boys, friends, and superficial nonsense increased, the pretend play was beginning to die a little. tear. it's quite a shame, really. 

but how neat that the Creator of the universe was so creative Himself to give us an imagination as children to be able to dream without limits, without rules, without any sort of boundaries. And we ARE made in his image--the image of the most creative being that ever existed. The One who spoke the earth into motion, painted the most beautiful skies, carved the deepest valleys and highest mountains, the dense forests and the vast deserts. The One who crafted every animal, insect, every being so perfectly and intentionally. Now HE had the ultimate imagination! I mean, WOW!
 Now that i think about it, just as we look fondly at our own children and strive for them to learn the ability stretch their minds into developing something out of nothing, maybe the Lord looks at us, HIS children, to do the same? What if He wants us to use our creativity and dare to dream about doing things that only seem impossible? What if he gave us this gift, this desire, to show us that through only Him and His help, His blessing, His power, and His ability that He can accomplish these things? Hmph, never really thought about that until now. 

I'm guilty of giving up on dreams. I think that childhood imagination is eventually replaced by unrealistic fantasies. Or maybe that's just the harsh adult word/version of imagination: unrealistic fantasy. To be honest, I don't even know what dreams I have. Somewhere along the lines of living in a broken world, I killed them. Satan killed them. He keeps telling me I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not confident enough, not smart enough. Not ______ enough. Just fill in the blank. And I keep believing it. Oh to have childlike faith again. I used to want to be a veterinarian. An artist. A jockey (I completely laugh at this one now...I really am too big and not a small hispanic man. But I really did want to ride racehorses). I don't even know what dreams I have right now. I'm talking REAL dreams--not like owning a house on the coast of France or something that's obviously not ever going to happen. I'm talking healthy dreams; dreams that are born out of purpose and passion. So lemme think for a second.....

I dream about raising these kiddos to know and love the Lord and serve Him and bring glory to Him. To further His kingdom here on earth. Shoot, I dream that for myself.

I dream about using whatever talents I have been given to do something good and worthwhile for Jesus. But in order to do that, that'll require me peeking into my heart and looking in all those deep, dark places that sometimes I'm scared to look because I'm afraid of what I may find. On a lighter note, I dream about one day learning to play the guitar, tapping back into my creative side (I loved absolutely loved art in high school but later convinced myself I wasn't really that good. But in all honesty, I was surprisingly impressed with what I could do..that counts for something, right?). So yeah, still need to peel back a few layers on that one. 

I'm currently reading the book, Restless, by Jennie Allen. It's been amazing. And she actually walks you through uncovering your gifts/talents/passions in order to use them for the Lord and helps narrow the focus for finding your place in this life here on earth. She also digs into opening wounds and using past or present sufferings to recognize your gifts and passions as well. I'm loving it. She helps make sense of all the threads of your life in order to weave them together for something beautiful for the Lord. 

So, here's to imagination and silly dreams again. And maybe they're not so silly after all. God gave us this ability, and just like everything else he's given, we can and should use it for Him. And thanks to my 2 1/2 year old for helping me remember what it's like to dream and imagine. I know I won't think his dreams are silly, and I don't think God will think our dreams are, either. 

rambling.

geezum i'm so terrible at this. i'm not even actually sure how i ended up here. oh wait, yes i do. ben left his blog open and after reading his entry, my eye caught my own name on his 'blogs to follow' list. yikes. i kinda forgot i actually had a blog. so, i went back and glanced at my whopping 3 or 4 entries. such a pathetic, sad excuse for a blog. i've almost had more children since then than entries. not really, but sometimes 2 kids seems like 7. kudos to those that have litters of kids. i don't see how you do it. seriously.
anyway, i went back and read my previous postings (took about 10 minutes total...maybe), and it was entertaining to see, or at least catch a glimpse, of what our lives were back then and what all we did. i think my favorite part was reading about my "8 things i wish for" or whatnot. the coolest thing---6 out of those 8 had been accomplished or been an answered prayer. i ran a full marathon, i got a bike, i have 2 very healthy kiddos, THE SAINTS WON THE SUPER BOWL, ben and i are healthy, and we live lives of simplicity for the most part, or atleast try to. that's always a battle in today's grimy and overindulgent world. but what an awesome reminder of God's faithfulness. so much has happened in the last couple of years. there's been growth, pain, laughter, tears (many...the good and the bad ones), change, etc. It's very clear to see that life is cyclical and that the only constant is change. being a creature of habit and routine, this is sometimes really challenging for me! but i am grateful for where i am and what i have been given. i wouldn't have it any other way.
there's too much to summarize from the past 3 or 4 years in detail. but some of the major milestones/events worth mentioning are: ben went back to school to get a masters in counseling. he graduated in may 2012 but i still can't get over the fact that he actually went back to school. in a field completely different and opposite of his original business degree. that's how i knew he was really serious and that the Lord really laid this on his heart. he is incredible at what he does and i am so proud of him for taking such a huge leap of faith. not to mention how handy it is to have my very own, personal, in-house counselor that i can bring all of my out of control emotions to! God really knew what he was doing when he put us together. He knew i'd need somebody to talk some rational sense into me and keep me well-balanced. bless him--i sure wouldn't want to put up with my crazy self and shenanigans.
we had 2 kids. and safe to say these are THE MOST LIFE ALTERING EVENTS. holy moly. i only thought i was ready and prepared. i would now laugh at my 27 year old self before having my first baby. gosh, how immature and naive i was. not that i'm mature and wise now, but there's just such a massive discrepancy in what i knew then and what i know now. it has been the greatest, most wonderful experience. it's been an adventure, full of surprises, firsts, discovery, and learning. these children are the greatest gifts we will ever have and to watch them grow and raise them is the greatest privilege and honor for us. we feel immensely blessed that God chose us to be their parents.
on the other hand, it has also brought some of the toughest, most challenging moments of my life. new struggles with unending worry--you name it, i've probably worried about it. a constant battle with control that i fight with daily. i cling and grasp so tightly to certain things and cannot seem to peel my clinched fingers back and release whatever i'm holding on so tightly. a realization that i am selfish, selfish, and selfish. the explanation on that one requires an entire post devoted solely to itself. impatient, imperfect, weak; these are just a few more ugly truths about myself that i've learned. but you know what else i've learned? i've learned more about Jesus and my need for him. i've also learned that this is a refining process. in order to be refined, we must go through fire. don't get me wrong, i'm not comparing having kids to a painful, fiery process (literally, YES. but figuratively, it's hard, but it's more the learning-about-yourself-part that hurts the most sometimes.) i've really been able to recognize and learn my own weaknesses better. they've always been there, but now i've had to come face-to-face with them. it can be painful to learn things about yourself, but there's also a sense of freedom that accompanies it. like "phew, glad that's now out in the open." that's when there's potential to improve and learn from it. i feel like i'm rambling and not making sense. there's a whoooole lotta stuff going on in my head and sometimes i can't quite sort it out/explain or organize my thoughts very well. but it's a start. maybe if i get all my thoughts out on paper (is this the new form of "paper"?), then that'll free up some room in my brain.
ben getting his masters and having 2 kids. there's been more but i got carried away, and i hear beck talking to "peter" in his crib so nap time is officially over. those are the main ones, anyway. see ya again in a few years. not really...but seriously.